Talking and listening are the best ways to prevent suicide. Ask Ivar.

There was once a famous poet and storyteller from Iceland who won fame in the court of the king of Norway, the court of king Eystein.

Now the king thought much of young Ivar and did many favors for him and for his brother Thorfinn, who also lived in the court of the king.

But Thorfinn was jealous and unhappy. For he thought that his brother was getting all the glory and that his gifts were going unnoticed. So Thorfinn decided to return home to his native country of Iceland.

Before Thorfinn left Ivar asked him to carry a message to a young woman called Oddny. The message was that Oddny was to marry no one until Ivar returned in the spring.

Well Thorfinn left and had a good journey. He returned to Iceland and met Oddny, and he himself asked Oddny for her hand in marriage.

So when Ivar returned in the spring, he found that his own brother had married the woman he loved. Ivar was filled with sadness as he returned to the court of the king, brokenhearted and bitter with thoughts of ending his life.

Everyone in the court, and especially the king, noticed the change in young Ivar. The joy in his singing had disappeared. The enthusiasm in his stories had waned. Ivar was a sad person. One night after the meal was over, the king called Ivar to his seat and said in a low voice, “Ivar, Ivar, tell me, what troubles you so?”

“I’m sorry, my lord, but I am unable to discuss it,” came the reply.

The king knew something was deeply troubling Ivar, so he said, “All right, Ivar, I will guess, for I know something troubles you and I want to get to the bottom of it, Tell me, Ivar, is there someone in the court whose presence offends you in some way?”

Ivar looked at the king and shook his head, saying, “No, my lord.”

“Well then,” the king demanded, “do you think you are not given enough honor?”

Again Ivar shook his head no.

The king continued with his questions. “Tell me, Ivar, is there something in my land you desire?”

“No, my lord,” came the reply yet again.

The king pressed further asking, “Is there a house or and estate that you long for?” This time when Ivar shook his head the king saw that the issue was a woman. He looked Ivar in the eyes and asked, “Is there a woman, perhaps in your country, that you long for?”

Ivar fell silent, and the king knew he had asked the right question even before Ivar nodded yes.

“Well then, Ivar, there is no problem with that. I am the mightiest king in this part of the world, and no one would dare interfere with my wishes. The next ship that leaves for Iceland will have you on board, and you shall carry a message from me to the young girl’s parents stating that it is my wish for the two of you to be married. No one in Iceland or anywhere else in the world would dare interfere with the wishes of King Eystein!”

Ivar looked at the king and said, “My lord, even that will not help.”

“Do you mean she is already married?” the king asked.

“Yes, my lord,” Ivar replied simply.

“Well then, Ivar, we’ll have to think of something else. The next time I make my rounds of the countryside and visit the villages and towns and castles, I’ll take you with me. In our travels we will meet many beautiful women and perhaps your heart will find one to meet its deepest longings.”

Ivar’s eyes filled with tears as he said, “Oh no, my lord, not that! Every time I see a beautiful woman, she reminds me of Oddny and my grief. I cannot bear it.”

“All right, ” said the king, “let’s try something else. I know! I’ll give you land, a huge estate. It will keep you busy farming, taking care of the livestock, and tending to business matters. With your hands full of the work to be done, you’ll soon forget about the woman, and your old joy will return to you.”

“But, my lord, I have no ability to farm,” said Ivar.

“Hmm,” said the king, “then I’ll give you money! I’ll give you a huge some of money so you may travel wherever your heart wishes, to the farthest corners of Europe if you wish. In your travels you’ll have many adventures. When you’ve experienced some new things, you will forget about your troubles and be happy again.”

Ivar only shook his head.

The king fell silent. He was unable to come up with anything to help Ivar in all his sorrow. After a time, he said, “Ivar, there’s one last thing I can think of. It’s a weak suggestions compared to the others I’ve made, but perhaps it will be of some help to you.

“Ivar, each night after the meal is over and the tables have been cleared and the business matters of state have been taken care of, I invite you to come here to my throne and tell me the story of your feelings of love for this woman Oddny. I will be here to listen to you for as long as you need.”

Ivar thought for a moment, and then he agreed to the king’s proposal. That night and each night afterward, Ivar came to the throne of King Eystein, and there he told him his story.

He told the king his story for days and weeks, and for many months. Each night after Ivar finished telling part of his story, the king would not let him leave without a small token of his love and care for Ivar. So each night after his story had been told the king would give Ivar a handshake, a hug, and a small but meaningful gift.

As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, Ivar found that he had told his story. And when he had told it, his old joy returned and  his thoughts of suicide left. So Ivar began to sing again and to tell stories, the ancient stories that the Scandinavians love so dearly. Ivar became once again not only a famous poet and storyteller, but also a happy man.

In the year that followed, Ivar met a young woman from Norway. The two fell in love and became one. Ivar and his wife spent the rest of their days in the court of King Eystein, happy and telling stories.

If we take the time to listen to each other we can prevent the despair and hopelessness that leads to suicide.

When it comes to suicide, silence can be deadly. If you know someone is thinking about suicide, tell some one.

If the person is in imminent danger, poised with a plan and a method to kill themselves, call the police at once. Even if they have told you not to talk about what they’ve told you, you must call the police because the person is a danger to his or herself.

If the person has been talking about suicide but does not yet have a plan or method to kill themselves you still need to tell someone you trust.

• Tell the person’s family member. Tell a clergy person or a counselor. If the person is a student tell their teacher or guidance counselor.
• Help the person call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (1-800-784-2433).
• If the person is a child between the ages of 5 and 18, tell the parent and have them call Children’s Mobile Response and Stabilization Services (1-877-652-7624 This is a service for all counties in New Jersey).
• Take them to a hospital emergency room to get psychiatric screening. There are many people trained to help someone contemplating suicide. Ask and you will find them.

If you are thinking about committing suicide, find someone who will listen. Several years ago chronic depression, unresolved childhood trauma, and career problems combined to push me into a state of despair and hopelessness. I saw no solution for the emotional pain I was in. I thought alot about driving my car into a cement abutment or purchasing a gun with which to blow my brains out. I hurt so bad that all I wanted was for the pain to end.

When my thoughts of suicide became persistent I knew it ws time to find someone who would listen. Thankfully I had a wonderful counselor who helped me through that very dark time in my life. With the support of my therapist, my wife, and my pastor I was eventually able to walk out of the valley of despair I was in. Today I’m so glad I found someone who listened to me. The problems that overwhelmed me are either resolved and under control. I still have problems and pain, but my persepctive on them is much healthier. I am here today because I reached out for help and someone listened to me.

Silence can be deadly.Speak out to prevent suicide.

About thirty years after my classmate committed suicide I was serving as the pastor of a church. One evening I was working late in the office when the phone rang. On the other end of a line was a man who told me that he had a chronic health problem, was an addict, and lived with his elderly mother who he fought with all the time. The man felt hopeless and was thinking about killing himself.

I got the man’s address and went to his house. He talked with me for a long time telling me all his problems. He promised me he would not kill himself that night.

In the days and weeks that followed I developed a relationship with the man. I helped him get as much medical treatment for his health problem as an uninsured person with a reputation as an addict can get. I invited him to church and introduced him to some of the church members hoping the connections would ease his loneliness and pain. I visited with his mother and tried to help resolve some of the issues between him.

After a few weeks the man seemed stabled and had a much better outlook on life, or so I thought. One night I received a call at home from the man’s mother. She told me she had come home to find her son hanging from a rope in his closet. He was dead.

I rushed over to their home to talk with the man’s mother. As I tried to comfort and console her she screamed at me, blaming me for not doing enough to prevent her son’s death. Though I knew I’d done everything I could to help her son I learned something very important that night. We have to work together to prevent suicide. Preventing suicide is not just one person’s responsibility, it’s everybody’s responsibility.

I have been asked to talk about suicide prevention at North Plainfield High School. The school is sponsoring a violence prevention week they are calling”Pathways to Peace.” The next few posts will contain the remarks I plan to make.

My job, as a Crisis Intervention Specialist with Children’s Mobile Response and Stabilization Services, is to de-escalate children and young people in crisis and refer them to services in the community that can help them with whatever problems they are having.

I’m here to talk with you today about preventing suicide. I’d like to begin with a story from a book called Peace Tales by storyteller Margaret Read MacDonald. The story is called “Not Our Problem,” and it goes like this:

The king sat with his adviser on the balcony of the palace eating honey on a cracker. As they ate they leaned over the rail and watched the street below.

They talked about raising taxes and making war. The king, absorbed in the conversation, let a drop of honey fall onto the railing. “Your highness, let me wipe that up,” offered the adviser. “Never mind,” said the king. “It’s not our problem. The servants will clean it later.”

As the two continued to dine on their honey and crackers, the drop of honey slowly began to drip off the railing. At last it fell onto the street below.

Soon a fly landed on the drop of honey and began his own meal. Immediately a bird flew from a nearby tree and swallowed the fly. A cat saw the bird and pounced, grabbing the bird in its mouth. Then a dog ran out from behind a cart and bit the cat!

“Sire, there seems to be a cat and a dog fight in the street. Should we call someone to stop it?” “Never mind,” said the king. “It’s not our problem.” So the two continued to munch their honey and crackers.

Meanwhile the cat’s owner arrived and began to beat the dog. The dog’s owner ran up and began to beat the cat. Soon the two were beating each other.

“Your majesty, there are two persons fighting in the street now. Shouldn’t we send someone to break this up?” The king lazily looked down from the balcony. “Never mind. It’s not our problem.” yawned the king.

The friends of the cat’s owner gathered and began to cheer him on. The friends of the dog’s owner began to cheer her on as well. Soon both groups entered the fight and attacked each other.

“Sire, a number of people are fighting in the street now. Perhaps we should call someone to break this up.”

You can guess what the king said. “It’s not our problem.”

Now soldiers arrived on the scene. At first they tried to break up the fighting. But when they heard the cause of the fight some sided with the cat’s owner. Others sided with the dog’s owner. Soon the soldiers joined the fight too.

With the soldiers involved, the fight erupted into civil war. Houses were burned down. People were harmed. And the palace itself was set afire and burned to the ground.

The king and his adviser stood surveying the ruins. “Perhaps,” said the king, “I was wrong? Perhaps the drop of honey WAS our problem.”

When I was a junior in High School I thought that violence and suicide prevention was not MY problem. The one day a classmate of mine committed suicide.

I went with some friends to the wake. I can still see the girl, white as a ghost, lying in the casket. I remember asking myself, “Why did she commit suicide?” “Did anyone try to stop her?” “Could I have done anything to help her?”

At that moment I realized that preventing suicide is everyone’s problem.

Thursday: We have to work together to prevent suicide. See you on Thursday!